CULTURE

I was still in elementary school when I learned to apologize for mess. Upon entering the bedroom of one of my good friends, who wasn’t any older than 12 herself, she sighed, “Sorry my room is so sloppy.” It was the first time I’d ever heard anyone, let alone a fellow child, make excuses for the state of their space. Compared to the bedrooms of other kids I’d seen, her room was immaculate — tidy and organized. If her room was a mess, then what was mine?

In the decades since, I’ve apologized for the state of my bedroom, kitchen, bathroom — you name it. Fear of being judged for having a normal house with the occasional errant crumb has consumed me, even prevented me from having friends over at times. It shouldn’t be that way.

In my latest piece, I spoke with therapists (one of whom even wrote a book about maintaining your home) who emphatically said a house that’s less than pristine is still one worth gathering in. So long as your house is clean enough, invite those friends over and try not to worry about the dishes in the sink.

—Allie Volpe, senior reporter

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Don't let a messy home stop you from hosting

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Inviting people over to hang out at my house is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, I don’t need to leave home. On the other, I’m plagued by anxiety, not because I don’t enjoy seeing my friends, but because of all the tidying and cleaning I feel pressured to do even for a casual evening of watching TV.

In an instant, I transform into my mother, frantically scrubbing and organizing. To welcome guests into a house that shows signs of life — a pile of unopened mail sitting on the dining room table or crumbs in the couch cushions — is to open yourself up to judgment.

It’s a common sentiment among those of hosting age: the manic cleaning that precedes the arrival of guests, memed and parodied ad infinitum. Of course these concerns primarily afflict women — centuries of socialization have reinforced the notion that the condition of a home is a woman’s business. (A 2019 study found that women are held to higher cleanliness standards than men and are more likely to face negative social consequences for failing to meet that standard.) Mothers, who are somehow expected to be the primary caretaker and keep the house spotless on top of everything else, carry an even heavier domestic burden.

Whenever Ciara Bogdanovic’s clients come to her with these concerns, she can’t assure them that no one is judging the state of their home. But she can promise them that the majority of people aren’t. “Often,” Bogdanovic, a licensed marriage and family therapist, says, “we project our own beliefs about ourselves onto what we believe others are thinking.”

But here’s the thing about hanging out at home: It’s free, low-key, and convenient. And we should be looking for more ways to find connection, not less, given the negative physical and mental health consequences of loneliness and social isolation. Many people crave more time with their friends, yet the anxiety of hosting what should be an undemanding get-together may preclude them from seeing their buds more often.

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CULTURE

Don't let a messy home stop you from hosting

Christian nationalists decided empathy is a sin. Now it's gone mainstream.

What's behind the WAG renaissance?

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No one cares about your dirty house